


i had nightmare

by PETRIFIED



Series: The World Is Not Kind [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi is raped, Akaashi is super fucking traumatized, Anxiety, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Eating Disorders, It's just really fucking dark, Kenma is raped, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Other, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Poly? Sorta, Really vivid descriptions of rape, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, super dark, there are some inconsistencies cuz im a dumbass, um
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 08:22:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27467893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PETRIFIED/pseuds/PETRIFIED
Summary: Akaashi is raped and the trauma follows him well into adulthood.// more or less i had a series of nightmares and produced this //// i just keep adding to it whenever i have another i'm currently up to 15k words so like strap in i guess //// it is NOT edited so don't fuck w me it's a soupy mess //
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: The World Is Not Kind [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1683754
Comments: 7
Kudos: 118





	1. Chapter 1

In high school, Akaashi was brutally raped by one of the basketball guys. The case headlined the local paper after he was discovered the next morning in a puddle of his own blood and the basketball player’s cum. He spent the following two weeks in the hospital and under careful psychological examination. He was damaged and traumatized for the next few years, right into his university years.

At a frat party in his and Kenma’s third year of university, Akaashi found Kenma unconscious, naked, and bleeding on a bed. Suddenly he was transported back to that night in the gymnasium as he was beaten into submission by the basketball guy while he pinned him down and tore off his clothes. 

He must have stood in that bedroom, vision tunnelling on Kenma’s body, for at least five minutes, panic and flashbacks paralysing him, before he finally shook himself out of his own trauma and ran to get help. 

“Bokuto! Bokuto, Kuroo!” Akaashi called, tripping down the stairs and slamming his knees down onto the kitchen tile. He coughed, grabbing his wrist in pain from the impact. His ears were full of cotton and his vision was fading in and out as he struggled to breathe properly. 

“Akaashi? Hey, are you okay?” 

Akaashi looked up at Kuroo and he mewled, squeezing his eyes closed. “No, no, no, no,” he said. “Kenma… It happened again… Kuroo…”

Kuroo looked around. “Kenma? What happened? Where is he?” He ran his fingers through Akaashi’s hair, brushing his face and looking at him with concern. 

Akaashi gripped Kuroo’s wrists in his hands, his entire body trembling. “Upstairs. Bedroom. It happened again, Kuroo.” 

Kuroo’s eyes flashed as he started making connections. He quickly got to his feet and ran up the stairs, calling Kenma’s name. Akaashi followed after him, hyperventilating and blinking back tears. He stood in the doorway, a panic attack engulfing him, as he watched Kuroo try to shake Kenma awake; as he ran back and forth to the bathroom with a wet cloth as he cleaned him off. 

Eventually, Bokuto found them and he pulled Akaashi away from the situation, working on calming him down. The situation in front of them suddenly sobered the three up immediately. Bokuto hugged Akaashi tightly, cupping the back of his head while he cried and hyperventilated into his shoulder. 

“It happened again, it happened again, it happened again,” Akaashi coughed, trembling. 

“You’re okay, shh, you’re fine, Keiji,” Bokuto hummed, stroking his hair. “And Kenma’s going to be fine, too. I’m sorry that this happened again. I wish I could reverse time and stop it from happening to you in high school and stop it from happening now to Kenma. I’m so sorry, Keiji, I’m so sorry you have to hurt like this…”

* * *

_ Akaashi fell to the ground on the third punch, stunned and in pain. He didn’t know the tall second year, but he recognized the bag that he’d tossed to the side as one of the duffle bags that the basketball team had. As he fell against the rough gravel, Akaashi coughed as the wind was knocked out of him.  _

_ “Wh-” he choked out, confused at what was happening and why it was happening. Before he could finish vocalising his confusion, the guy kicked a foot against his chest and Akaashi flattened to the ground, his head smacking against the gravel painfully. And then, the basketball guy was on top of him, his hands around Akaashi’s throat.  _

_ Akaashi stared up at him, eyes wide with fear. Was he trying to kill him? Was Akaashi going to die? His struggling was futile and his hands only bounced off the larger guy as if he was made of metal. He tightened his fingers around Akaashi’s throat and Akaashi’s eyes bulged, watering.  _

_ In silent rage, the basketball club member lifted Akaashi’s head and repeatedly slammed it against the ground. Akaashi had given up on everything else except trying to breathe at this point. His head was in pounding pain and his vision was throbbing as if his heart was behind his eyes.  _

_ Just as Akaashi thought that he was going to pass out, the hands released from his throat and he coughed harshly, sucking in gasps of oxygen. But, before he could get too comfortable, a fist crashed against the side of his head and he heard the buttons on his school shirt tug and burst apart, cool air hitting his chest. His pants were violently pulled off his legs.  _

_ And then, long fingers were forced into Akaahi’s mouth. He gagged and tried tearing his head away, but the only result in a harsh twist of his nipple, causing his mouth to open in a shout of pain. A knee pressed against his crotch and Akaashi suddenly sobbed, tears flooding down his face as the pain throbbed throughout his entire body and he feared that he was going to die.  _

_ The fingers continued to thrust in and out of Akaashi’s mouth. Akaashi’s lips started to get cut on his own teeth and saliva was running down his cheek. And then, the guy got off of Akaashi and pressed a foot to his chest as he stood above him and pulled out his penis. Akaashi stared up at him, exhausted and heaving.  _

_ The next thing Akaashi knew, the basketball player's cock was being shoved into his mouth. He choked and tried to push back, his jaw locking. The guy began skull-fucking him violently. Akaashi had tears streaming down his face and he begged himself to just pass out, to stop feeling and experiencing what was happening.  _

_ Four minutes of the basketball player thrusting deep into Akaashi’s mouth and then he pulled out, his cock engorged, and he kneeled down and bent Akaashi’s legs up. Akaashi was not prepared at all for the pain that was about to come.  _

_ Without any preparation and without any lube, the basketball player slammed himself into Akaashi. Immediately, Akaashi felt something tear and his head spun. He could feel something trickling down his spine and reaching the gravel. The sound of squelching echoed in the darkness and Akaashi blinked, unable to process what was happening anymore. His organs felt like they were being pushed around and beaten. He was bleeding, not only from his mouth and head, but also from his ass now. The basketball player was groaning, still fucking Akaashi mercilessly.  _

_ He came inside of Akaashi seven minutes later. Akaashi thought it was over, but immediately after pulling out of Akaashi’s ass, the basketball player forced a fist deep inside of him. Akaashi cried out, beginning to dip in and out of consciousness. He felt the basketball player smear his blood over his stomach and when he looked down his body, he saw the basketball player rubbing his blood covered hand over his legs. There was blood half way up his forearm. Akaashi was sure he was going to bleed out then and there. There was too much blood.  _

_ He passed out before he got the chance to find out if he would bleed out. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hhhhhhhh sick

“Akaashi? You should eat something,” Kuroo said gently, entering Bokuto and Akaashi’s bedroom. 

Akaashi curled up underneath the blankets, ignoring Kuroo and hoping he would leave. 

“Hey…” Kuroo said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “You’ve been in bed for almost two full days now, ‘Kaashi… You need to come shower and eat something, babe.”

Akaashi squeezed his eyes closed even tighter. “Kenma…” 

“He’s okay,” Kuroo assured. “Kenma’s alright, Keiji. I’ve been keeping an eye on him and he’s doing fine. He’s worried about  _ you _ . Why don’t you put on some clean clothes and come see him? Would that put your mind at ease?” 

“I can’t move,” Akaashi whispered. “It hurts.” 

Akaashi had had severe pelvic fracturing after being raped. It didn’t fully heal until seven months after the incident. Every now and then, the pain flares again - particularly when he gets stuck in a PTSD loop. 

“I’ll help you,” Kuroo offered warmly. “I’ll go start a bath and then I’ll come get you.” 

“Where’s Bokuto?” Akaashi asked, trying hard not to cry. 

“He’s at work. He’ll be back around nine.” Kuroo paused. He pulled back the blankets until he could see Akaashi’s head, and then he brushed aside Akaashi’s hair and kissed his temple softly. “You’ll get through this. You always do.” 

Once Kuroo finished preparing the bath, he returned to fetch Akaashi. He slid his arms around Akaashi and carried him to the bathroom. He was light - he’d lost twenty-five pounds following the rape, and he never gained that weight back. Even now, he struggled to eat and threw up frequently. 

Kuroo helped Akaashi undress and then placed him into the bath. He let Kuroo help bathe himself and then get dressed again, in fresh smelling clothes. Kuroo brought Akaashi his forearm crutches and then told him to come out to the kitchen for some food. 

As soon as Akaashi limped into the kitchen, he saw Kenma curled up on the small sofa playing on his DSi. He faltered, his eyes closing as he struggled to steady himself. As soon as Kenma saw Akaashi, he straightened his position.

“Akaashi-” 

“How are you feeling?” Akaashi interrupted, begging for the attention to be shifted off of him and his hunched and crippled form. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be so pathetic and needy when you obviously…” He trailed off, remembering how he hated the pity that everyone gave him those first few months afterwards. 

“You’re not,” Kenma said quietly, subdued. “Pathetic and needy, I mean. But, I’m okay. Really. I don’t- I don’t even really remember what happened. I had already passed out by the time they… I shouldn’t have had so much to drink.” 

“No, Kenma,” Kuroo said firmly. “You drinking too much does  _ not _ factor into what happened. You know that.” 

Akaashi grimaced, accidentally letting out an embarrassing small whimper of pain, as he lowered himself into a kitchen chair. He quietly apologized, his cheeks heating up. Kenma had been unconscious, been too drunk to fight back against the equally drunk frat guy. What about Akaashi? He’d been conscious, he’d been sober. He’d simply just been too weak and too afraid to fight back. He could have. He  _ should _ have. Did he unconsciously  _ want _ it to happen?

“Keiji.” 

Akaashi snapped out of his head, looking up at Kuroo. “Huh? Pardon?” 

“What kind of yoghurt do you want? There’s peach, raspberry, strawberry and vanilla,” Kuroo repeated, sharp eyes burning into Akaashi’s soul. 

“I don’t… want any yoghurt,” Akaashi said slowly, shaking his head, suddenly unsure about  _ why _ he was in the kitchen and  _ why  _ he’d agreed to let Kuroo drag him out of bed. He rubbed his eyebrows with his fingers, trying to relieve some of the tension that was furrowing them together tightly. He fumbled for his crutches again, prepared to go back to bed. His pelvis was killing him. He had to lay down, get the weight off of his hips. 

“Akaashi, you need to eat something,” Kuroo said, watching him stand. 

“I need to lie down,” Akaashi moaned. “Hurts,” he mumbled, exhaustion sweeping over him. 

Kuroo let him go, watching him painfully shuffle back to his and Bokuto’s bedroom and collapsing onto the bed. The crutches knocked over an empty glass on the bedside table as he let go of them. Luckily the floor was thickly carpeted and it only bounced to safety instead of shattering dozens of miniscule pieces that Akaashi felt like he was shattering into at that moment. 

Akaashi could feel the basketball player’s hand inside of him again. It was buried deep within his organs, pulling each one out individually before diving back into the soupy mess of Akaashi’s intestines. He could see the basketball player slicing him open like a baked potato, prying apart his ribs so that he could garnish Akaashi’s corpse with bacon, sour cream, and chives before eating him deliciously. 

Akaashi could feel the basketball player shove his fingers into his mouth. They twisted upwards, forcing themselves behind Akaashi’s eyes before poking his eyeballs out. Despite now being without his eyes, Akaashi could still see. He was watching from beside his body. The basketball player crushed Akaashi’s eyeballs beneath his feet as he stood up. And then, he literally began fucking Akaashi’s skull, through his now empty eye socket.

Akaashi stared at his mangled body, somehow still conscious despite being split open and completely gutted of all of his organs. He was screaming. He was screaming. Begging him to stop. He couldn’t see anymore. He was back inside of his body. He couldn’t see. All he could feel was the hot blood pouring down his face. All he could hear was the nauseating squelch of his brain being stabbed over and over again. He was screaming. He was screaming.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fuck i didnt finish this one excuse the cut off ending i just dont really care

“You’re okay! You’re okay, you’re safe, Keiji, shh, shh, shh, it’s okay, it’s just a nightmare.”

Akaashi jolted awake, screaming at Bokuto to get off of him, hitting him with his fists and struggling to get away, tangled in the bed sheets. Bokuto quickly jumped off of the bed, away from Akaashi’s flying hands and kicking legs. Akaashi kept screaming, fumbling to remove the blankets. The sweat on his skin felt like blood. He felt like he had blood trickling down his back and down his temples. He swatted at his skin, sobbing and begging for it to get off, begging for the blood to go away. His body shuddered and rolled just before he vomited directly onto himself, between his legs, onto the bed. He continued shaking violently, sobbing and pleading for Bokuto to get it off of him, pleading for him to put his organs back. 

Bokuto risked approaching Akaashi again. He was shaking, his hands trembling as he hesitated over touching Akaashi or not. Kuroo was suddenly there as well, pulling away the blankets and tossing them onto the floor. Kenma came running in with a bucket of water and a cloth. 

“Keiji! Keiji! Shh, you’re okay, it’s okay,” Bokuto said desperately, trying to break through Akaashi’s delusioned bubble. “We want to help. It’s okay. I’m going to take off your shirt for you, okay? We’ll clean you off, you’re okay, I promise.”

Akaashi was too paralysed to react anymore. He sat, shaking and sobbing, while Bokuto pulled his soiled shirt over his head. Kuroo laid a towel down over the vomit before he started wiping off Akaashi’s legs and arms. Bokuto used a clean cloth to wipe down Akaashi’s sweaty back and face, wiping away the tears and snot. Kenma sat, terrified, on the corner of the bed. 

Bokuto lifted Akaashi off of the bed, putting him on the floor while Kuroo gathered the dirty bed sheets. Bokuto continued to brush aside Akaashi’s sweaty hair, occasionally wiping away tears, as he told him he was okay, that it was over. Kenma offered Bokuto a large sweater, and Bokuto slid it over Akaashi’s naked frame. His underwear had some vomit on it still, but Bokuto knew better than to take his underwear off for him. 

“I’ll go put this in the wash and get you guys some clean sheets,” Kuroo said.

“Thanks,” Bokuto said distractedly. Kenma sat down beside him, hugging his knees as he looked at Akaashi worriedly. 

Akaashi ran his shaking hands over his body, staring at them for blood. He could still feel the basketball player’s fist playing with his insides. 

“Can I have some water?” Akaashi whispered. His tongue was dry. He could taste the basketball guy’s cock on his tongue again. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll go get some,” Bokuto hummed.

Once Bokuto left, it was just Kenma and Akaashi in the bedroom. Kenma stared at the floor, feeling awkward. Akaashi was still breathing unevenly and was still shaking, his eyes glazed and distant. 

Kenma studied Akaashi sadly. He could remember their coach telling Nekoma the grisly news about what had happened at Fukurodani. They were supposed to be having a friendly practice match that week, but Fukurodani had cancelled all upcoming practices or matches until further notice. Kenma could recall Kuroo immediately calling Bokuto, only to receive voicemail. The news about the brutal and violent assault was all over the news, in all the papers. Kenma had read all the details. Nekoma sent their wishes to the Fukurodani team and Kenma remembered hating how it felt like Akaashi had been murdered.

“I’m sorry,” Kenma whispered. 

Akaashi looked up at Kenma. “Why?” he asked, blinking. 

Bokuto came back with a cup of water, handing it to Akaashi. He took it and unsteadily swallowed it down before handing it back to Bokuto. Bokuto brushed Akaashi’s hair and cupped his face, looking at him and simply asking, “Okay?” 

Akaashi shook his head, his face pale and eyes watery. Kuroo quietly came back in and started making Bokuto and Akaashi’s bed with some clean sheets. 

“Kenma, you can go back to bed if you want, baby,” Kuroo mumbled. 

Kenma nodded, figuring it would be best to just give Akaashi some space. He said goodnight quietly and then disappeared. Once Kenma had left, Akaashi sunk down, the nightmare falling from his mouth. 

“He was killing me, he shoved his hand inside of me and started pulling out my organs.” Panic started choking him again, his breaths coming out in wheezes. “He cut me open and pulled apart my ribs.There was blood everywhere. I wanted to die. I wanted to just be dead but I was still conscious.”

“Shh, sh, sh,” Bokuto hushed, holding Akaashi tightly. 

Akaashi sobbed. “He poked my eyes out and he started- started- he started  _ fucking _ my eye socket. Why couldn’t he just kill me? Why didn’t he just kill me? Why did he even  _ choose _ me?”

Bokuto had heard this dialogue before. Akaashi was always wondering why it had to be him and why the basketball player hadn’t just killed him that night. He was always wondering why he had to be left to suffer. Bokuto was used to Akaashi’s nightmare’s about that night. He’d heard all of the horrific scenarios that Akaashi’s mind conjured up. 

Kuroo had also heard his share of Akaashi’s nightmare’s from nights Bokuto was working the graveyard shift. Kuroo finished making the bed and then quietly said goodnight as well. 

* * *

_ “Bokuto, hey, how are you doing?” Kuroo asked when he finally got a hold of the Fukurodani ace. “We heard what happened. The news is… It’s everywhere.”  _

_ “I don’t really know,” Bokuto said solemnly, his voice sounding exhausted. “I don’t know how I’m doing. There’s a lot going on right now.” _

_ “I know, man, I know,” Kuroo responded quietly. “Kenma and I want to come by to see you. Maybe Akaashi, if he’s up for visitors. If you’re okay with that, obviously, us coming by.” _

_ Bokuto was quiet for a few seconds. “I’m at the hospital right now. I’d love to see you guys. And it’s alright if you come see Akaashi, but… he doesn’t look good. Just… let Kenma know.” _

_ “Of course,” Kuroo said. “We’ll be by around four, okay? We’ll bring some food for you.” _

_ “Thanks, I’ll text the address,” Bokuto responded before hanging up.  _

_ Only a little bit after four, Kenma and Kuroo arrived, knocking on the door, pushing it open slowly. Kuroo entered before Kenma; Kenma was hesitant to enter, fearful of how Akaashi would look.  _

_ Akaashi was asleep. He had various tubes and wires connected to him, feeding him with nourishment and sedatives. His face was black and blue, stitches on his lip and eyebrow. The edges of his mouth were scabbed and raw. His neck had scratches on it, glowing against the dark finger shaped bruises. His hair was cut short. He was barely recognizable as the Akaashi that they knew. _

_ Kuroo held up the take-out bag, giving Bokuto a light smile. Kenma hesitantly came in as well, gasping quietly when he saw Akaashi. Kuroo reached behind him, grasping Kenma’s hand tightly. Bokuto took the food, saying thank you, and silently unpacked it. He was uncharacteristically subdued.  _

_ “How has he been doing?” Kuroo asked, sitting down on a wooden chair. He pulled Kenma down onto his knee.  _

_ “He hasn’t been awake much,” Bokuto answered. “They have him in some really heavy sedatives right now. For one because he’s in a lot of pain, but they also don’t want him moving so much because his pelvis is fractured. He’s only been conscious a couple of times since it happened.” _

_ Kuroo nodded. He’d read about the extent of Akaashi’s injuries in the newspaper. He could barely sleep the next night, thoughts of what happened to Akaashi filling his head. It sounded like he’d been reading about a gruesome murder, and to know that Akaashi was still alive curdled his stomach.  _

_ “Does he remember what happened?” Kuroo wondered, looking at Akaashi’s form. He had oxygen being pumped into his nose through a cannula. _

_ Bokuto nodded, closing his eyes. “He remembers.”  _

_ Kenma got off Kuroo’s knee, approaching Akaashi. He rested his hands on the side bars of the bed, taking in Akaashi’s injuries.  _

_ “Who found him?” Kenma asked quietly. _

_ “Two guys from the soccer team. Konoha and Suzumeda showed up a couple minutes afterwards. I didn’t know it had happened until Konoha called me,” Bokuto said. “They said they thought he was dead. He was so covered in blood they didn’t even know where it was coming from. When I got there he was awake, but he wasn’t really… there, y’know?”  _

_ “How long have you been with him?” Kuroo asked, referring to the hospital. _

_ “Since he got out of surgery.” _


	4. Chapter 4

Although they’d been together for almost four years, Bokuto and Akaashi had never had full intercourse. They got horny plenty of times and they’d reached a middle ground until Akaashi was comfortable going all the way. Bokuto would usually just fuck Akaashi’s thighs or Akaashi would give him a hand job. For Akaashi, he typically rode Bokuto’s thigh or if he was willing, Bokuto would finger him until he came. 

They managed to work around Akaashi trauma when in bed, but Bokuto would be blatantly lying if he said he didn’t want to have proper sex. Of course he wanted to feel Akaashi in that intimate way, but he knew just about better than anyone why Akaashi couldn’t. Akaashi  _ wanted _ to, he’d expressed that before and they had tried going all the way a few times, but those few times always ended in a panic attack. 

But, Bokuto loved Akaashi just as much as he would if they were able to have sex without the past causing a hindrance. Bokuto was happy enough just to have Akaashi with him, knowing how he could have easily died that night. He was perfectly content to hold Akaashi’s frail frame at night and listen to him breathe. He had to reassure Akaashi regularly that he wasn’t annoying him with his nightmares and anxiety. Life was different than it would have been if Akaashi had never been raped. At first Bokuto was worried about how he would adjust to the way things were permanently changed. 

The worst had been volleyball. Akaashi never played again, and certainly not before Bokuto’s graduation. Bokuto regretted how agitated and sharp he was with the team his remaining months with them. The fact that they all let him act out because  _ they knew why _ he was so frustrated only made him feel even worse whenever he thought back on it.

They hadn’t made it to nationals that year. 

When Bokuto discovered which basketball member had raped Akaashi, he beat him mercilessly in the halls, red with rage. He broke the guy’s nose and gave him a good concussion. After that, the basketball player was turned over to the police and expelled. Bokuto was suspended for ten school days. 

He graduated with a dark shadow over his head. That shadow never left and still hung over him wherever he went now. He was angry. He was agitated. He was overbearingly protective of Akaashi. He had blown up at Kuroo more than a few times over little things; his explosions of anger always ended in a breakdown, with Kuroo telling him it would be okay, that Akaashi was okay. The only time Kuroo hadn’t gone easy on him was when Bokuto lost it at Kenma. Kuroo came running into the room just in time to see Bokuto reel a hand back and Kenma flinch in fear. 

Bokuto never hit Kenma. He  _ would _ never. He regretted letting his emotions get a hold of him so much that time, and had spent days trying to make it up to the fearful Kenma. Eventually they all let their shoulders fall and opened the windows to air out the tension. Bokuto swore he would be better. 

And he was. He never raised his voice to Kenma again, and certainly not a hand. He shouted at Kuroo every now and again, but only because he knew Kuroo could handle it and wouldn’t take it personally. If Bokuto started getting out of hand, Kuroo made sure to let him know with a rough shove and shout of his own. 

Then Kenma was raped at the party and suddenly that shadow over Bokuto’s head darkened. His palms were scabbed from his nails digging into his skin from clenching his fists so tightly so often. He didn’t know who had raped Kenma, but he was determined to find them and break a couple of bones and draw some blood. Bokuto wanted to kill anybody who thought that rape was acceptable. He wanted to kill the scumbags who ever looked at Akaashi or Kenma with a dirty mind. 

Bokuto was grateful that Kenma had been unconscious and couldn’t remember what happened. He was grateful that whoever had raped him hadn’t delivered additional harm to him. He was grateful Kuroo didn’t have to witness Kenma like Bokuto had to witness Akaashi. 

Bokuto was grateful that they’d found Kenma relatively quickly. Knowing Akaashi had laid out in the cold night for seven hours, unconscious, bleeding and alone, before anyone found him sat in Bokuto’s stomach like a cold stone.

* * *

Kenma woke up with Akaashi beside him. He frowned, momentarily confused, before he remembered that Akaashi had slept in Kuroo and Kenma’s bed, with Kuroo crashing in Bokuto and Akaashi’s bed. Bokuto had gotten caught up with an extra three hours at work after his coworker went home early, sick. It had been the night shift, so Bokuto didn’t come home until almost five in the morning. Akaashi didn’t sleep well alone and usually slept with Kenma or Kuroo when Bokuto worked late shifts. Normally, he slept with Kuroo - who could handle him better if he woke up from a nightmare - but for some reason, Kenma could remember him creeping into his and Kuroo’s bedroom and sliding into the bed, grabbing Kenma’s hand. 

Kenma got out of bed and poked his head into Akaashi and Bokuto’s room. Both Kuroo and Bokuto were still very much asleep. Bokuto had an arm over Kuroo’s back and, as usual, Kuroo had a pillow smothering his head. Bokuto hadn’t even bothered getting out of his work clothes before collapsing onto the bed. 

Kenma sighed and shuffled to the bathroom to go to the washroom. He pulled down his pants and flipped up the toilet seat. As he pissed, he tried to remember what had happened that night at the party. It frustrated him that he couldn’t remember anything. He couldn’t bring himself to even feel traumatized because he didn’t remember it. He couldn’t bring himself to feel violated. He had been sore for a day or two afterwards, but it just felt like the kind of soreness that he would feel if Kuroo had been a little bit rough in bed. 

He almost wanted to remember so that he could react normally. Of course he knew he had been raped and of course he knew that it was  _ wrong _ , but because he couldn’t remember it happening, it just didn’t feel  _ real _ . He didn’t really  _ care _ much. He hated that he’d been taken advantage of like that, but it had happened and he couldn’t do anything to change it now.

After pissing, Kenma washed his hands and stared at himself in the mirror. Should he cry? Would it feel more real if he cried over it? He squeezed his eyes closed and tried to force some tears to produce. None did. 

He was horny. He wanted to have some lazy morning sex, but Kuroo was sleeping with Bokuto and Akaashi was in their bed. Kenma reached under his t-shirt and pinched a nipple, playing with it until he grew hard. Him and Akaashi had fooled around once before - before Akaashi had been raped, obviously. Would Akaashi ever be open to that again? Kenma reached down into his sweatpants, palming himself. He moaned as he felt himself grow hard but just as quickly stopped his movements. 

Shouldn’t he hate the thought of sex now? Shouldn’t he freak out at the idea of himself getting aroused? There was something wrong with him. He shouldn’t feel horny. Not after being  _ raped _ . He should be disgusted at the idea of ever being intimate again. So why did he want to feel Kuroo stretch him open and then drill him into the bed? Had he actually initiated the rape at the party? Was he even raped at all? Maybe he did want it and he just happened to pass out during. Was he lying to Kuroo and Bokuto and Akaashi, letting them believe he had been raped?

Kenma pulled his hands out of his pants and clenched his jaw, grinding his teeth together. If he wanted to keep up with the story that he’d been raped, he had to start acting like it. Should he stop eating? Should he start cutting? Fake a panic attack?  _ Why wasn’t he acting like he was expected to act?  _

Kenma bit down hard on his lip and violently turned on the shower. He frantically stripped himself of his clothes and got into the ice cold stream. He balled a fist and began pounding it against his hip, closing his eyes tightly as he tried to cry. When he failed, again, to cry, Kenma angrily got out of the shower, dripping water everywhere, and fumbled under the sink for a bottle of KY Jelly. He covered his hand, bent over the sink, and started fingering himself. He considered calling for Kuroo, waking him up so they could have some quick shower sex, but he decided against it, thinking Kuroo would be put off by Kenma wanting sex after supposedly being raped.

He finished off in the bathroom about ten minutes later and then went to go get dressed, feeling more disgusted by what he’d just done to himself than what had happened to him at the party.


	5. Chapter 5

“You waiting for someone?” 

Akaashi looked up at the guy, a subtle jolt of panic going through him at the sudden, unexpected approach. “Ah… Yeah, a friend. He’s just in class right now.” He tried to avoid telling people he was gay these days. It gave guys the wrong idea, thinking he was a willing slut to help get them off.

That was what happened during high school, after he’d been raped. Whispers started spreading that he was inviting it to happen because he was a  _ faggot _ . He never told Bokuto - or anyone - that he’d thought about killing himself when he returned to school after the rape because for the first time ever, the quiet remarks and disapproving stares about his sexuality were hurting him and he felt even more disgusting and worthless. 

“Well, classes don’t wrap up for another half hour. Let me buy you a coffee from downstairs,” the guy offered, tilting his head as he looked down at Akaashi. “I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but you’re beautiful.”

Akaashi swallowed thickly, looking down at his fingers. He hadn’t even realized it, but he had been habitually picking at the skin around his nails so much that he was bleeding. He looked up, glancing down at the hall and feeling anxious without Bokuto. 

“Uh, no, thank you,” Akaashi said. “Sorry, I’m just not… I don’t swing that way.” His stomach twisted at the denial. 

“Well, let me buy you a coffee anyways. Maybe I’ll be able to change your mind.” The guy winked. “I’ll get you back here before your friend is out of class, promise.”

Akaashi pressed his lips together. Thoughts ran through his head at a tenth of a second. If he just went along with the guy, maybe he’d be satisfied enough with buying him a coffee. Maybe if he went along, he wouldn’t be as bad as Akaashi was terrified he would be. Maybe if he went along, he would force himself onto Akaashi. 

“I don’t drink coffee,” Akaashi said.

“Tea? Hot chocolate?”

Akaashi felt dizzy. He closed his eyes. “Sorry, not today. I’m just not feeling well. If we run into each other again, we can grab a drink.”

“Sure, no problem. I’ll see you around,” the guy said. He cracked a smile and Akaashi felt like he was baring his fangs at him, threatening to bite his neck. Akaashi watched him walk away and then rushed down the hall, pushing into the bathroom. 

He locked himself in a stall, covering his mouth with his trembling hand. He  _ knew _ the guy meant no harm. He had to go home. He had to leave before someone else saw him. He had to go. 

* * *

“Akaashi! Where are you? Are you okay?” Bokuto asked frantically, finally getting a hold of Akaashi. 

Harsh breathing was the only response on the other end of the line. 

Kuroo and Kenma watched Bokuto expectantly on the phone and Bokuto put it on speaker, asking, “Keiji, baby, are you okay? What’s going on?”

_ “I don’t know,”  _ Akaashi said, his voice thin. 

“Where are you, ‘Kaashi?” Kuroo asked. 

_ “I- I don’t know.” _

Bokuto gnawed on his fingernails harshly, anxiously. “Are you hurt? Are you  _ safe _ ?” 

There was no response. Kuroo, Bokuto and Kenma shared looks. 

“Akaashi, baby, are you hurt?” Bokuto asked again, slower this time.

_ “No, but I’m cold.” _

“Do you know what’s happening? Do you know how you got to wherever you are?” Kuroo asked, frowning. 

Again, Akaashi didn’t respond. Bokuto shook his head. “Keiji, is there anyone around you? Anyone you can ask for help? I know it’s scary for you, but I need you go up to someone and ask for help. Just tell them you’re lost and then you can give your phone to them and I’ll talk to them, okay?” 

_ “There’s only a guy. I’m too scared, Kou, I don’t want him- I don’t want him to-” _

“Okay, okay, I understand that,” Bokuto said calmly. “It isn’t too late. Are you around shops? Or houses?” 

_ “Shops.”  _

“Awesome, okay, go into one that’s still open. Find an older woman if you can. She’ll help you. You’re okay, yeah? You can do this, I know you can. We’ll get you home. We’ll warm you up. You’ll be okay.” 

There was silence on the other end of the phone for a couple of minutes. And then they heard Akaashi shakily tell somebody that he was lost and that Bokuto wanted to talk to them. There was some shuffling on Akaashi’s end of the line. 

_ “Hello?” _

“Hi, I’m Bokuto. You’re with my friend Akaashi right now. He’s, uh, he’s not exactly stable right now. He doesn’t know where he is or really what’s happening. What’s the address so we can come as quickly as possible?”

The woman gave the shop’s address. Then she hesitantly asked,  _ “Is your friend dangerous?” _

“No! No, not at all,” Bokuto said. “He’s just scared and a little confused. We’re on our way right now. Thank you so much.”

_ “No worries,”  _ the woman said.  _ “I’ll hand the phone back to your friend.” _

They got to the shop 34 minutes later. Akaashi was in the back room, drinking some tea. His eyes were glazed. Bokuto ran over to him, cupping his face and quickly looking over him for any injuries. He pushed Akaashi’s hair back, feeling his temperature. Kuroo and Kenma watched from the doorway. The shop owner was busy taking care of closing duties.

“Hey, hey,” Bokuto said softly, trying to get Akaashi’s attention. “Are you alright? What happened while I was in class?” 

“Bo, let’s just get him home, yeah? Get out of the owner’s hair,” Kuroo said. 

Bokuto nodded and helped Akaashi to his feet, leading him out the door to the taxi. They thanked the shop-owner again, the four of them getting into the cab. Kuroo sat in the front. Bokuto sat in the uncomfortable middle seat, still stroking Akaashi and mumbling quietly to him. 

Akaashi wasn’t providing any information about how he ended up where he was or what had happened between when Bokuto saw him last before his class and where they were now. The hours after Bokuto got out of class to find the bench where Akaashi always waited for him to be empty until the moment he managed to get a hold of him were some of the most terrifying hours of his life. 

“I can’t go back to school,” Akaashi whispered. 

“What?” Bokuto asked, blinking.

“I can’t go back. What if he finds me again?” Akaashi’s voice was quiet and shaky. 

Bokuto shook his head. “Keiji, we’re not… We’re not in high school anymore. You’re okay. He can never get you again, alright? You’re safe now. Never again. I’ll never let that happen ever again.”

Akaashi squeezed his eyes shut, shaking. “No, I saw him. He tried to get me today. He wanted… He… No, he wants to do it again… I had to get away from him.”

“He has no idea where he is or what year it is,” Kuroo muttered, glancing over his shoulder at the three in the back seat. 

Bokuto shook his head silently, starting to realize that Akaashi was more confused and lost than he thought. “We’ll get you to bed, babe. You need to sleep. We’ll give you something so you can sleep through the night. You’re going to be okay.”


	6. Chapter 6

Akaashi was dazed for a few days after his breakdown. Bokuto took some days off of work and classes, keeping an eye on Akaashi. Akaashi slept the full day after his breakdown and woke up, panicked about having to go back to school and see the basketball player again. Calming him down and convincing him that it had been years since the rape. 

Akaashi wasn’t eating well. Bokuto and Kuroo did what they could to make sure he was eating  _ something _ , but Akaashi was too anxious to eat. When he ate, he was convinced that his food hadn’t entered his stomach, his organs gone. One night, Kuroo found Akaashi, naked, filling the bathtub with scalding water and bleach. He quickly wiped his blurry eyes and grabbed Akaashi just as he went to step into the water. 

“What’re you doing?” Kuroo asked, terrified, hugging Akaashi tightly.

“I’m dirty! I have to clean myself!” Akaashi screamed. 

“You’re not dirty! You’re clean, Keiji!” Kuroo said, struggling to hold onto Akaashi. “You’re not dirty, I promise. Bleach and boiling water isn’t going to clean you. You’re only going to hurt yourself. Just calm down, okay? Just relax…” 

Akaashi bucked against Kuroo violently, only getting more erratic. Kuroo grunted and twisted them away from the bathtub, pushing Akaashi down and curling over Akaashi’s thin, folded frame. He shushed Akaashi, keeping his own breathing deep and even, hoping Akaashi would match it. 

Akaashi started banging his forehead against the floor and Kuroo tightened his hold, quickly grasping Akaashi’s forehead and keeping him from harming himself further. 

They laid like that for five minutes, Akaashi mumbling incoherently and crying. Finally, he started exhausting himself. Kuroo loosened his hold on Akaashi, soothingly running a hand down his side. Akaashi shivered, heaving. 

“You’re not dirty, Akaashi,” Kuroo repeated quietly. “It’s been years since you were hurt like that. You got through the worst of it. You’re okay. You’re alright.” 

“I’m not,” Akaashi whispered. “I want to kill myself, Tetsurou… I want to kill myself more now than I did right after it happened… I’m so tired…”

Kuroo continued hugging Akaashi on the ground. Akaashi was still naked, but neither of them seemed to notice. 

“I wish he’d killed me,” Akaashi moaned. His body deflated and Kuroo held himself up from crushing Akaashi. He slid off of Akaashi, sitting beside him now and running a hand down his back. His spine was poking under his skin and his shoulders were dangerously sharp. 

“You know that’s not how you really feel,” Kuroo said softly. “And you know that we’re all really grateful that you’re here right now. Bokuto had been distraught with the thought that he very well could have killed you that night. Bokuto’s probably still here with us because  _ you _ are.”

Akaashi sat up, head low. Kuroo got to his feet and handed Akaashi his clothes, gently encouraging him to get dressed. While Akaashi got dressed, Kuroo pulled the chain on the tub stopper and let the water drain. Then, he walked Akaashi back to bed. He crawled back into bed and Kuroo placed the blankets back over him. 

Bokuto mumbled incoherently and rolled over.

“Bo,” Kuroo said, shaking him awake. “Bo, ‘Kaashi’s not doing well.” 

Bokuto blinked blearily and focused on Akaashi. “Oh, thanks for letting me know, man.” 

Kuroo nodded, kissing Akaashi’s head before leaving. 

Bokuto slid his hand around Akaashi’s thin waist and pulled him towards him. He pressed his lips to Akaashi’s neck and ran his hand up and down Akaashi’s side. 

“What’s going on, baby?” Bokuto mumbled tiredly. 

“I want to have sex,” Akaashi said. “I want to do it, Bokuto. I want to finally do it.”

“What?”

Akaashi rolled around to face Bokuto. He immediately began crying. He curled up and pressed the top of his head to Bokuto’s chest, sobbing. “I want to, but I can’t… I want to kill myself and I want to have sex with you before I die.”

“Keiji, oh, my god. Hey, things have gotten really rough again lately, but I’m going to get you through this. Please, don’t think that it can be so bad that your only way to get out of it is to kill yourself. You surviving that night was a fucking miracle. You’re so fucking strong. I’ll take a few more days off of work and I’ll stay with you. Kuroo and Kenma will be here. We all love you so fucking much,” Bokuto said soothingly. 

Akaashi whimpered. “I want to have sex, Bokuto. I really want to. But I’m so fucking scared.”

“Of course you’re scared, baby. We’ll take it slow. We’ll work our way up to that point. We’ll do it once you’re fully, one hundred percent okay with it. For right now though, let’s just sleep. It’s late. Let’s just get some rest, yeah?”

* * *

Akaashi was dragging his feet around the apartment. He was lethargic. Bokuto and Kuroo wondered if they needed to take him to the doctor, but Akaashi swore that he was alright. He had just been having nightmares - which was true, every night he’d been jolting awake from nightmares of the night he’d been raped.

Akaashi went with Bokuto to his classes on Monday, mostly because Bokuto was worried to leave Akaashi alone at the apartment while Kuroo took Kenma to the hospital. Kenma had passed out in the shower that morning for unknown reasons and neither Kuroo nor Bokuto felt comfortable leaving Akaashi by himself after admitting that he wanted to kill himself.

Much like the first time Akaashi had sat on the benches waiting for Bokuto, the same guy approached Akaashi.

“Hello, beautiful,” he said. “You up for that coffee today?” 

Akaashi looked up with dull eyes circled with grey bags, pale skin and chapped lips. He shook his head and said, “What?”

“A little while ago I invited you for some coffee and you said maybe another time. Here I am, another time, asking you again,” the guys said. “My name’s Kiya. How about you?”

“...Akaashi,” he said softly. “I’m sorry, I don’t remember you at all.” 

“Well, let me jog your memory over some coffee,” Kiya said. “Or, hot chocolate or tea. I recall you saying you didn’t like coffee. Come on, I know that you’re waiting for your friend and classes won’t be over for a little bit. We’ll just head downstairs. You can’t say no.”

Akaashi froze. He looked down at his hands.

“Alright,” he said, his voice choked. He stood up. “I have to be back here before the end of classes though.” He walked with Kiya down the hall, trying to take note of everyone around them, trying to figure out who seemed like the best option to call out for if something went wrong. If the guy touched him. If the guy tried to rape him. 

“What can I get for you?” the girl behind the counter said. 

Kiya made his order and then looked at Akaashi. 

“Just… Just a green tea,” Akaashi said. 

“Nothing to eat? Don’t worry about it, it’s on me,” Kiya said, smiling. 

Akaashi felt light-headed. He couldn’t meet Kiya’s eyes and he stammered out an order for a plain croissant. Kiya told him to pick a table and he’d bring the food to them. Akaashi took a seat at a table, next to two women who looked to be around thirty. 

He spread his hands out on the table, his breathing sharp. He should have stayed upstairs. He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down, trying to convince himself that it would be fine, that Kiya didn’t mean any harm.

“Here we go,” Kiya said, placing the food on the table and sitting down across from Akaashi. “So, what’s your major? What classes are you taking?”

Akaashi took a swig of his scalding coffee, relishing in the harsh pain as it burned down his throat. He squeezed his eyes closed and said, “I don’t go here. I don’t- I’m not in school.” 

Kiya blinked. “Are you okay? That coffee was really hot.”

“I’m okay,” Akaashi coughed. “I’m sorry. I’m only here with my friend, waiting for him.”

Kiya laughed lightly. “Hey, don’t apologize. I can tell you're nervous, but you don’t have to be. I’m not going to eat you or anything. Who’s your friend?”

Akaashi wiped his temple with a shaking hand. “Oh, uh, Bokuto. B-Bokuto Koutarou. God, I’m so sorry, I have really bad, um, anxiety.” 

“Oh, would you rather we go somewhere with a little bit less people around?” Kiya asked, concerned. 

“No!” Akaashi said loudly, grabbing a few looks from other people. His heart was racing. “Sorry, no, sorry, it’s not that kind of anxiety. I just need to calm my heart for a second.”

“Sure, sure, take your time. We’ll just sit in silence for a few minutes. Or, would you rather I just… talk? You can just listen,” Kiya said. 

Akaashi nodded, wrapping his hands around his tea. Kiya started talking, but Akaashi’s ears were still roaring. He couldn’t hear a word Kiya was saying, but he was able to stop the barrage of anxiety that was starting to choke him. 

Once he could speak again, he croaked out, “Thank you, Kiya, but I have to go. Classes are almost over and my friend will get worried if I’m not there when he comes out. Maybe we’ll see each other again. This was really nice of you. I’ll- I’ll see you.” 

Akaashi left the table. His head was spinning out of control and he couldn’t see straight. He wanted to throw up. He could feel Kiya running after him, trying to grab him, trying to pull his clothes off. 

And then Akaashi slammed into a wall. 

“Whoa! Akaashi, hey, what’s the rush?” Bokuto said, steadying Akaashi, grabbing him by the shoulders. 

“I can’t breathe,” Akaashi wheezed. 

“Hey, alright, okay, bathroom,” Bokuto said, grabbing Akaashi’s hand and dragging him to the bathroom, pushing through the door. Bokuto pulled him into the wheelchair stall, locking it behind them. He cupped Akaashi’s face. “You’re okay. You’re alright.” 

Akaashi’s knees gave out and Bokuto quickly grabbed him, slowly helping him to the ground. Akaashi’s throat gurgled and he lurched towards the toilet, vomiting up tea and his single bite of croissant. Bokuto ran a hand down his back. 

“Deep breath, deep breath,” Bokuto whispered. He grabbed a handful of toilet paper and wiped Akaashi’s mouth. “Let’s take off your cardigan, okay? Make you feel less suffocated. Just breathe, baby.”

Bokuto slid Akaashi’s cardigan off of his arms and rolled it up, placing it up onto the toilet paper. He ran his fingers through Akaashi’s hair slowly, muttering, “Whatever happened, it’s over now. You’re okay.”

Akaashi retched again, mewling like a dying dog. “I think he touched me,” he moaned. 

“What?” Bokuto asked. “Who?”

Akaashi turned away from the toilet bowl and hugged Bokuto, dropping his head to Bokuto’s shoulder. He was still trembling. Bokuto rubbed his back soothingly, the two of them still sitting on the bathroom floor. 

It took well into the hour before Akaashi was finally breathing normally again and finished shaking. Bokuto helped him to his feet and put his cardigan back on his shoulders. He kissed Akaashi’s forehead and quietly asked, “Did somebody touch you?”

“I don’t know,” Akaashi said, shrugging. “I don’t know, Bokuto. I can’t… I can’t figure out what’s actually happening and what’s  _ not _ . Maybe he did. He bought me some tea and then… and then I think… I think he tried to rape me. I don’t know.”

“Okay… Alright, well, my class was only fifty minutes. He was only buying you tea, I’m sure. The campus is buzzing. If he had tried  _ anything _ , I’m sure someone would have intervened,” Bokuto said quietly. “Let’s head home, okay? I’m sure Kenma and Kuroo are home now. We’ll see how Kenma is, yeah?”

Akaashi nodded. “I just got anxious. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, ever,” Bokuto whispered. “You can’t control what triggers your PTSD. And it’s been really bad lately. You know that you’ll be okay, but you also have to know that this anxiety might be with you for a really long time.”

“It’s been four years, though,” Akaashi cried. “I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. I just want to kill myself and make it stop.”

Bokuto licked his lips, shivering subtly. “I wish that I could make it stop for you. I wish I could have stopped it from happening. I wish you didn’t have to hurt so bad. But please, don’t think that the only way to feel better is to put an end to everything. Let’s go home, baby, okay?”

Akaashi nodded, wiping his eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

When they got back to the apartment, Kenma was sleeping on the sofa and Kuroo was doing some university reading. 

“Hey, is Kenma okay?” Bokuto asked as soon as they were through the door. 

Kuroo looked up. “They weren’t totally sure. Aside from being a little bit susceptible to colds, Kenma’s health is perfectly fine so their best bet is vasovagal syncope. They need to do some tests to rule out other possibilities, but that’s what we’re going with right now.”

“Vasovago what? What’s that?” Bokuto asked, helping Akaashi take out his jacket. 

“Uh, it’s related to the vagus nerve. It’s mostly triggered by the sight of blood, but also stress or, uh, emotional trauma. Kenma doesn’t know, but I had to explain to the doctors about him being raped at the party,” Kuroo explained. 

“They should know if it will help them figure out what happened this morning,” Bokuto said. “Don’t think you went behind his back or anything.”

Kuroo cleared his throat. “No, I know,” he said. “Anyways, how were classes today?”

“The usual,” Bokuto shrugged. He sat down on the couch beside Kuroo. 

Akaashi still stood in the entrance, almost stuck between worlds, fizzing between reality. Kuroo waved his hand, beckoning Akaashi over. Akaashi slowly stepped over to the sofa and then paused, saying, “I’m going to lie down. I don’t feel very well.” 

Bokuto and Kuroo watched him disappear and Kuroo looked at Bokuto, silently asking what was up. 

“He had a panic attack after I finished my last class. And then again admitted how much he wants to kill himself,” Bokuto said. “Some guy bought him tea and I guess he got stuck in his head. He told me he’s having a hard time telling the difference between what’s actually happening and what horrifying PTSD nightmare-ish flashback his head is coming up with.”

Kuroo grimaced. “I still have that same, unmatched, desire to kill that fucking basketball piece of shit for doing that to Keiji. And the fact that he wasn’t even  _ jailed…  _ If I  _ ever _ see him, I swear I’ll kill him.”

“You and me both,” Bokuto muttered. 

“Hey, Bo?” 

Bokuto looked over. “Hm?”

“I’m always going to be here for you and Akaashi,” Kuroo said seriously. “I  _ know _ you were suicidal our last year of high school. And I fucking  _ know _ that this hasn’t gotten even the slightest bit easier, so don’t push aside your own mental health so that you can focus on Akaashi.  _ Both _ Kenma and I are here for you two.”

Bokuto pressed his lips together, bobbing his head. “I love you, dude. Don’t worry about me though. As long as Akaashi’s around, I would never kill myself.” 

Kuroo squinted and tilted his head. “Okay, well, I totally understand that, but I don’t really think that’s a great way to look at the world. Just please keep me in the loop if you ever get as close to killing yourself as you did back then. Please?”

“I will,” Bokuto said. “But seriously, I don’t have any thoughts of killing myself. Not right now, anyways. And… I’ll let you know if it comes to that again. For now, let’s just focus on Kenma and Akaashi. Kenma’s clearly doing worse than we thought, and Akaashi’s relapsing really fucking bad right now.”

“Take a rest, Bo, I’ll go check on Akaashi,” Kuroo said, patting Bokuto’s thigh and getting off the couch, putting aside his textbook. He brushed Kenma’s hair as he passed by, going to Bokuto and Akaashi’s room. He knocked on the door softly. 

Akaashi was curled up on the bed, under the blankets. 

“Bokuto told me today wasn’t too good, huh?” Kuroo said, laying down beside Akaashi. “Did you want to talk?”

Akaashi rolled over and nuzzled into Kuroo. Kuroo wrapped his arm around Akaashi, noticing how frail Akaashi had gotten again. Akaashi didn’t say anything, but Kuroo didn’t expect him to want to talk. He sometimes fell mute after panic attacks, completely shutting down - sometimes for days. 

“You know that you’re going to be okay,” Kuroo said, pressing a kiss to Akaashi’s head. “As long as you’re with us, we’ll take care of you.” 

Then, to Kuroo’s surprise, Akaashi kissed Kuroo’s neck and slid onto him. Kuroo froze in shock, holding back from kissing Akaashi back. 

“Keiji, what are you doing?” he asked. 

“I want to have sex,” Akaashi breathed.

Kuroo grabbed Akaashi’s shoulders, holding him at a slight distance. “No, Akaashi, you know that’s not a good idea. I want to have sex with you too, but you know that it’s not a good idea right now. You’re not in a good headspace. Eventually, we will, but when you’re  _ ready _ .”

Akaashi groaned, sitting up on Kuroo’s waist. “Fuck my thighs, then, that’s what Bokuto does.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea either…” Kuroo said slowly. He stroked Akaashi’s face.

“Fine, Bokuto will,” Akaashi said, bouncing off the bed. “I feel fine now. I am ready.”

Kuroo watched Akaashi leave the bedroom. He looked down at himself, hating that he was hard just from that little bit of intimacy. Bokuto had fucked Kenma before. Kuroo had fucked Kenma before. Kenma and Akaashi had fooled around before. Kuroo had made out and gotten heated with Akaashi before. Bokuto and Akaashi had gotten intimate before. But none of them expected to fuck Akaashi anytime soon. 

Kuroo very quickly lost his erection as he thought about  _ why _ their lives were like that. As soon as he’d lost his hardon, he heard something shatter from the kitchen. He sat up and wandered out to the main area. Kenma was awake, blearily propping himself up on an elbow and Bokuto was gripping Akaashi’s wrists in his hands. Broken plates were spread across the kitchen floor. 

And for the first time in Kuroo’s life, he heard Akaashi yelling. 

“I’m sick of being treated like a fucking porcelain doll! We know that I’m fucking broken already! What else is there to fucking break?! I know that I’m a fucking mess! Let’s just fucking  _ fuck _ ! If I can’t kill myself, can’t I just fucking… Say fuck it to everything?! God dammit, Bokuto! Fuck you! Fuck all of you! I hate my fucking life and I hate myself and I’m sick and tired of feeling terrified all the time! So here I am! I’m done being on edge and being scared of everything! Just fuck me in the ass! I’m already all loosened up by now! He had his entire fucking fist up my fucking ass!” 

Akaashi tore his arms from Bokuto’s hold and grabbed another plate, slamming it down onto the floor and letting it shatter. He broke another one. Kenma covered his ears, staring fearfully. Bokuto approached Akaashi and he wielded a plate and Bokuto flinched back. Akaashi smashed the plate, screaming, “Don’t fucking touch me! Stop trying to fucking comfort me!”

“Alright… I’m not going to touch you,” Bokuto said slowly. “Can you please just stop breaking plates? Even if you’re not worried about hurting yourself right now, there’s glass all over the floor now, which might hurt me, or Kuroo, or Kenma. Also, we don’t have a whole lot of plates.”

Akaashi dropped another plate, his body shaking. Angry tears were swirling in his eyes, dropping in fat tears down his cheeks. Akaashi picked up another dish, a mug this time. Kuroo stepped further into the room, positioning himself in front of Kenma, unsure of what Akaashi might do.

Bokuto hesitated, chewing anxiously on his lip. “Alright, what do you want to do, Keiji? What do you want to do?” he asked softly. 

Akaashi shook his head. He put the mug on the counter momentarily before picking it up again and smashing it. Kenma got off the couch and quickly ran to his and Kuroo’s bedroom. Kuroo looked at the glass shattered all over the floor.

“Stop, Keiji, please,” Bokuto begged as Akaashi picked up another mug. “Let’s talk, okay? Let’s just talk. You’re angry, I get it. I’m angry too. Super fucking angry with the way our lives turned out. But please, you’re going to hurt someone, if not yourself.”

“I want to!” Akaashi screamed. “I want to hurt someone! I want to hurt myself!” 

“Okay, okay,” Bokuto said shakily. 

“Why haven’t you hurt yourself, then?” Kuroo deadpanned. 

Bokuto and Akaashi looked at him. 

“What?” Bokuto asked, shocked. 

Kuroo shrugged. “You want to hurt yourself, or someone else, but you  _ haven’t _ . Why not?”

And Akaashi whipped the mug at Kuroo. Kuroo jumped out of the way, the mug exploding against the wall, leaving a dent. Bokuto shouted, “Hey, hey, hey!” Already, Akaashi had a glass cup in his hand again. 

“Akaashi, stop!” Bokuto shouted.

“Come on! Throw it, Akaashi,” Kuroo provoked. 

Akaashi threw the glass and it shattered into tiny pieces to the right of Kuroo. Kuroo was still provoking Akaashi, Bokuto yelling at him and trying to get Akaashi to stop, and Akaashi was screaming, “Stop! I don’t want to fucking hurt you! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” 

A silence fell over the kitchen, with Akaashi covering his ears, his eyes squeezed shut, and quivering. 

“Keiji, baby, don’t move until we clean up the glass, okay?” Bokuto said carefully. 

Akaashi gave a small nod and Bokuto grabbed the broom and some slippers, slowly approaching Akaashi and sweeping all the large and small pieces of glass away from him. Kuroo started picking up the bigger pieces of glass around him in the living room. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Akaashi whispered, crying. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” 

Bokuto didn’t answer, not sure how to respond to him. He was still scared, still uneasy at Akaashi’s sudden outburst. He pulled out the vacuum, vacuuming up the smallest particles from around Akaashi before passing the vacuum off to Kuroo. 

“Please, don’t hate me, I’m sorry,” Akaashi said weakly. 

“We don’t hate you,” Bokuto whispered. He remained hesitant to touch Akaashi. “You can move now. The glass is all cleaned up.”

Akaashi wiped his eyes. “I want to go to bed,” he whimpered. “I want this day to be done.”

“Alright, let’s get you into bed, then. Is it alright if I touch you?” Bokuto asked.

Akaashi nodded. 

Bokuto ran his hands down Akaashi’s arms, kissing his forehead gently before guiding him to their bedroom. He helped Akaashi get out of the clothes he’d worn that day and into some pyjamas. Then he tucked Akaashi into bed, laying down on top of the blankets next to him. He softly wiped the tears on Akaashi’s cheeks away. 

“I’m sorry,” Akaashi said again. “I don’t… I don’t know what happened… I just got so angry and I- I don’t know what came over me. I’m so scared of myself. I’m scared of what I might do. I feel like I’m completely losing my mind.”

Bokuto sighed and gently massaged Akaashi’s chest. “Just go to sleep, baby,” he mumbled. “Just rest. I’m going to stay with you until you fall asleep, alright? You need to rest.”

“I don’t want to have nightmares,” Akaashi said shakily. 

“I know, but you can’t let it stop you from sleeping. Just know if you have a nightmare, I’ll be right here. And just know that I’m never going to let  _ anything _ like that happen again. And I’m not going to let you do anything that might hurt you or anyone else. Please, just sleep.”

It took Akaashi an hour and a half to fully fall asleep.


End file.
